Instead of sitting here and just letting bad feelings eat me up, I decided to write here because I haven’t done that in a while. I was sitting here listening to some post-rock and thinking how crappy I felt right now and The Rad Blog came to mind. Why am I just sitting here feeling bad when I can write here? I mean, I used to do it before when I felt bad so what’s stopping me now?
What’s on my mind? I’ve been having a rough week I guess. The car needed some work since it wasn’t starting and now that the second job is done, I’m missing a lot of income. It isn’t like I’ve not been looking for either a better job or a second second job, but it just isn’t materializing.
This isn’t keeping me down. No. It certainly is heavy, but I got this. I mean, if I let something like this affect my daily performance, I’d probably get in trouble. That’s why I hold it for the public and at work and when I’m home or in free time I’m falling over. It is why stupid little things like failing to see though projects on Neoseeker or screwing up a video game hit so hard. I’m too busy being strong for the public that in my relaxing time everything falls.
Stupidly, I let it slip that I’m probably not doing so well mentally on Neoseeker and people are confused. I don’t know if I can really can consider them friends because the ones I’m friendly with probably don’t care that much about me. I guess that’;s because it is a two-way street. My fault. I don’t know. I’m in a poor enough mood to accept the fault.
I guess I shouldn’t have let things get so personal there. I should have just kept my distance and just continued to be a active yet quiet member. No. I had to go in and put in my all. I had to start projects that I couldn’t see though because I’m so darn distraught and when people ask me about it I collapse. It is why I asked to step down as a moderator there. I felt like I was wronging the people with my moodiness. I can’t help it I guess.
I think I’m trying to say is that I’ve lost the plot. I’m not feeling good right now. I’m trying to catch on, but I keep slipping. I had a routine for a few months. It was nice. The job wasn’t ideal, but I had a routine. Now I’m back to trying to figure out what I should be doing. I’m trying to be useful but I don’t if I am.
So, what am I being bogged down by then? I think it is because I’m in a bunch of unknowns and stupidly I don’t hold onto the hands of those who probably do care about me. I’m too darn proud to try and get help from friends because I’m a lion. I gotta just breathe I think.
Some smart person once compared life’s woes to a cup of water. If you hold a cup of water for a long time, it feels heavy. I guess that’s why stupid little things like messing up on Payday or Fire Emblem send me in a downward spiral. I’m holding too much crap in my mind. I need to relax. I gotta get a grip as The Son would say.
That’s where The Rad Blog comes in as my sense of reality. I have always said that The Rad Blog is me. It is where I think things though and where I can find peace. I know people mean well to help me. I know that talking things out is supposed to help, but The Rad Blog does that for me.
What do I want? I want order. I want to know I’m doing a good job and no, I don’t want a “Chas, you’re doing a good job.” I want to feel like I’m doing a good job. I want to know people think I am doing well. I have found too many things I am not doing a good job with so I need to find something.
I ever tell you about my old creative writing teacher? When I was a younger Chas Rad in high school, I took creative writing because someone said I could write poetry pretty well. I did okay for the most part, but my teacher always had the same complaint for me. He would always ask “why?” He’d ask “why would you phrase it this way?” or “why use those words?” or “why is this significant?” I didn’t have an answer. It just was. That’s how I wanted it. I wrote a line a certain way because I felt like it. I used a certain subject because I liked it. When our final project, a short story, ended, I got a low C and he said my story wasn’t any good and had no reason to exist. I only got a passing grade because it was an actual story with a beginning, middle, and end, but it wasn’t any good. From that day forward, I always figured I couldn’t write. I mean, who am I to question this guy? He was a teacher. When I got to college, I met a lot of accomplished writers or up and coming people. I suppose a ton of people told them what they wrote wasn’t any good but unlike me, they didn’t stop.
Why did I stop? I guess I got discouraged quickly. I guess I figured “well, I guess I’m not very good at this, time to find something else.”
Was it a valid reason to give up like that? I mean, maybe. I kind of suck at fiction and this is from years of reflecting on that day I got my story back from the teacher. A lot of my crap is borrowed ideas or clichés. That’s that with writing anyway. It is a better hobby anyway.
What about everything else I stopped because someone told me I wasn’t any good? Football? Music? Maybe I read into this too much. Maybe I listen to people too much for my own good.
That’s something else. I gotta say, I’m feeling slightly better after writing this out here. I’m less off my rocker and more in a solid miserable state. It’ll be better with sleep most likely.
Is it odd that I want to know I’m doing a good job but simultaneously want to hear I am doing a good job? How else would I know I guess.
Okay, enough sad stuff. Rad stuff.
Drink Reactions. They will be coming soon. I got a few for you coming. Gerunds.
If you really wanna see me do something quick for National Rhino Month, I’ll do a few short stupid works of fiction that won’t be any good but entertaining to say the least.
Since I spent like 1000 words berating myself, I think I should throw in some positives then, right? Call it my new year’s revolution.
Okay. I have a really stupid sense of humour. I point out things that are odd or off or I purposely do things incorrectly because it is funny. Example? Calling it a “revolution” rather than a “resolution.” I like odd phrasings.
Another positive. Yes. I might not often hit my mark, but when I do, I really hit it.
I’m kind of wise I suppose. I know things about well, things. If I don’t know it, I know how to find it or learn about it.
I shared one poor experience from school so I’ll share a good experience. One of my core literature classes was this research class. We were given this sheet of 10 questions and we were not allowed to use the internet to figure out any of them. We couldn’t just answer the questions either. We had to write our ways of learning/finding the answer. Even if you couldn’t find a good enough answer, if your method in finding them was good enough, you’d get some credit.
At first I was angered by this. How could I figure any of this out without the internet. I soon found that I was really resourceful without the internet. This is where I first learned I had a pretty keen interest in etymology too because I think I was supposed to find the first mystery play ever written. When I first read that I was thought “Sherlock Holmes maybe?” but when I looked up “mystery play” one of the oldest references to that phrase was plays about the mystery of faith AKA Jesus stuff. I felt smart that day. Things like that are one of the few positives in my life that really shine when I try to dig deep for positive moments.
It’s funny how I can remember bad things in great clarity but when I try to think of good things I have a hard time. I guess that’s just how the mind works. Negative reinforcement is good so I don’t get fooled again. Fool me once, shame on…shame on you.
This has gone on long enough. Remember, Drink Reactions are coming soon. Yeah. Got em.
Maybe I’ll write something for National Rhino Month. We’ll see.