I haven’t really been writing about what’s going on in my head and it’s been messing with me. I mean, I’ve been really, really low for the past few weeks and that shouldn’t be. July is supposed to be my month. King and Queen day is coming up soon and that’s a happy occasion.
Really, I think it is that I’ve been hit by a lot of big things lately. I’ve moved into my own apartment. I’ve really gotten into the swing of things at my second job. I’ve now had to adopt and adapt to a new lifestyle. It is all huge to me and a shake up from what I know. I used to think I was pretty good with dealing with change, but now I’m not so sure.
I think that’s my problem. I’ve been filled with a lot of doubt. I’m like “Can I survive this new life? Can I keep working this job even though it’s physically and mentally draining?” I think of these things as I think of electricity. I have to send my reserve power to keep up with it, and that leaves me open to other shortcomings. Like, sure I am pushing though this new job, but my inferiority complex is at an all time low at the moment. I’m like making obscure fears out of nothing. I know it has effected my gaming.
I have always called myself poor at playing video games. This is very true. I suck. There’s no sugar coating that, but keeping that in mind only helps me cope with playing games publicly so far. When I start seeing others play the same game as me, the reality really hits.
My most recent escapade is Pokemon Go. Everyone is playing it, but I’ve since quit. All my friends have surpassed me and are getting way better/more Pokemon than I am. This bums me out because I can’t keep up so I quit. It’s not fun if I’m trailing. I mean, sure, I could just ignore it, but can I? I really can’t. I can’t just say “Oh yeah, I don’t really care” because I’d be lying to myself. I do care. I want to put my full self into playing that game, but it’s all for naught if I’m not scaling to everyone else. It isn’t fun to me and makes me kind of depressed.
I know the game has been doing wonders with people with anxiety and depression. It makes them have reason to play and get out and see the world. It helps them and people have been praising the game for that. For me, though, it does the opposite. It makes me more sad since I suck so bad at it.
Like I said, maybe it’s because I’ve run out of power to keep my inferiority complex in check with all this new and much bigger things in my life. The same goes for my physical health too. I haven’t been to the gym in about a month. This is probably because I’ve been so busy with moving, working, or both. On my days off, I don’t wanna go because I need to actually have a break from work, plus I’m much further away from the gym now. I kind of want to look into seeing how to cancel it and perhaps getting my money back for the months left on the term. I think that would be best.
Man, cancelling a gym membership is a lot of work! I have to write a letter and see if my contract allows me to cancel early. Man. Maybe it is a good idea I am thinking of leaving now and instead of closer to the end time.
Anyway, writing about things here helps me. I can’t tell people this kind of stuff because I don’t do as well talking plus this medium is good because people don’t have to read it if they don’t feel like it. If I was talking to someone, I am kind of inconveniencing them because they can’t exactly say “This is boring, skip to the next part.” I guess they could, but that’s not socially couth, right?
Maybe in a month or so I’ll adapt to my new life. I’m not resisting my new life, it just takes some time to adapt to is all that I’m saying. I’m actually happy for my new life with the Queen. I have been wanting this for a very long time. It is just a lot of work to start a new life, right? I mean, the gravity of that sentence alone could crush me if I wasn’t putting in my best effort.
How am I doing? I could be better. That’s my usual response to that question. How am I feeling? I can’t really tell you since I don’t know how to describe it easily. Sad maybe. Happy too. Overwhelmed perhaps. Perplexed is probably the best way to describe me right now.
Hungry too. I really could use something to eat right now.