I’ve been in this odd sad mood for the past week or so. I’m not even sure why that is either because by definition, everything is pretty much fine.
I think I’m feeling disconnected. That’s really been my theme to life for the past few months, hasn’t it?
I’ve been thinking a lot about personality types, more specifically my own. I’d like to think I am an ESTJ or ISTJ most of the time. I’ve read descriptions of both personalities and it is really my mood that dictates if I wanna be a people person or not. I would say I’m more often a good people’s person that an introvert because hey, I’m doing this blog here for all to see and encourage chatting. Real life, I’m less likely to chat with people because I don’t typically have anything important to tell them. I can tell if someone has my interests or not. The guys here at work love sports. I like sports enough, but I don’t follow the NFL or MLB. The other people are intellectuals and while I’m fairly competent in things, I am only good enough in those sort of smart conversations.
I think one of my biggest flaws is how little I think of myself. All in all, I think I’m pretty much useless and that there’s a thousand of other people that do what I do better. This isn’t a bad thing. I’m just unique in the way that no one does it the way I do it. They may be better, but they can’t do it the Chas way.
I said I was feeling disconnected which one of the descriptions of ESTJ says that while I’m stressed, I will feel isolated from others. It is kind of true I think. I write about it here often enough how I’m not with the times or I just don’t get why people find memes funny.
Even on Neoseeker I’m feeling a bit disconnected. For the past week, I’ve contemplated leaving the site again because I’m feeling out of place or like I don’t belong. I’ve said it on my Neoseeker blog too that I don’t think I belong anywhere.
I can be a little more personal here because nobody from that site comes to this blog. I feel like a small group of people don’t want me around. Sure, I have some new friends, but the older people don’t seem to want me around and that’s fine. The feeling is slightly mutual. I say slightly because I don’t wanna hang around them either.
Maybe it is a misconception. Maybe they just don’t know me very well so they don’t wanna bother with me.
It doesn’t matter because I’m just feeling like I don’t belong. I tried to take on the responsibility of modding there because I felt like it would make me more active and a better member as a whole, but really I’ve been stressed about it. I’m like an authority figure except not really because I’m more of a community builder.
That’s part of being an ESTJ. They like to take charge while I’m more reluctant. I’d rather be the person in charge’s right hand man in all honesty. Being a boss is odd to me since I have to be the rule-man. Another part of ESTJ or ISTJ is that I follow the rules by the book. When I am the book, what do I follow then?
I realize giving up on being a mod there is a bad thing. I accepted the position to be a community builder because they thought I was a good choice. It is my duty to fulfill this because that’s part of my personality.
This is just a website too. What happens if this ever happens to me in real life? What if someone is like “Hey Chas, you’re a good worker. How about we start training you as a manager for a small team?” The repercussions of that are a lot higher. If I decline, then it shows I’m not interested or something so they could fire me. If I accept and do a bad job, that makes me look bad and I get fired. There’s no winning there. The only options is to do my best, which I will always do even if I have extremely grim expectations of myself.
I guess it is part of my defeatist personality too. Defeatism and progression don’t go hand in hand, but somehow I make it work. I’ve always been curious about how I act. I don’t get it, but writing about it helps.
For now, I suppose I’ll just continue on with Neoseeker as I am. I have a duty to be a good member there and I truly want to be. Until they decide that I am no longer needed as a mod there, I will keep doing my best to promote my forum.