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Well, it is time again for Java Monster. I haven’t followed a line of drinks this closely since…well, Kickstart.


We know all about Java Monster by now. This one is no different with the description on the side of the can.


I’m thinking this was one of the original Java Monster because of the plain can design. If you look at Kona and Irish blend, they seem more involved. Loca Mocha and Mean Bean both have this very plain wood look. It isn’t bad, it just isn’t as modified as Irish and Kona blend.


No problem! I still kinda like the woody design on this can, but I don’t really get it. Why is this one woody? What is it about coffee that makes people think of wood? Is it because coffee is grown on trees? If that’s the case, then why aren’t bananas featured with wood too?


This is called Loca Mocha so I think of Spanish. Loca is like “crazy” right, except it is adjusted for the feminine words. I know Vega called my Shepard “Loco” in Mass Effect. Look, my Spanish is not that great despite taking it in school. Je parle Français. Il m’intéresse.


What is mocha? I think it is coffee with chocolate. That’s just from what I think it means. The official definition of mocha is “a fine-quality coffee,” or “a soft kind of leather made from sheepskin.” Dang. I hope I’m not drinking sheepskin.


Okay, so a mocha late is what I’m thinking. That is coffee, milk, and chocolate.


So, is this going to be a crazy sheepskin or a crazy fine quality of coffee?


Well, shall I see what’s in this drink?


The answer is yes by the way.


Contains milk. Okay. Time for the lactose pill.


I’m going with nutrition facts by can. I feel like I have to write this disclaimer every time. I’ve also been slacking on the whole “warning: don’t drink this if you are a kid or a pregnant woman” thing, but I think I’ll only point that out if it isn’t on the can from now on. These energy drinks usually have them.


220 calories. 40 calories from fat. 4g total fat. 3g saturated fat. 0g trans fat. 15mg cholesterol. 460mg sodium. 460mg potassium. 36g total carbs. 35g sugars. 9g protein.

90% Vitamin C. 35% calcium. 190% riboflavin. 190% niacin. 190% Vitamin B6. 25% phosphorus.


There’s slightly more fat in this compared to Mean Bean. I’m thinking they might have added chocolate to it because Mean Bean might as well have been called “Plain Jane.”



Reduced fat milk, brewed coffee (filtered water, coffee), sugar, glucose, natural flavors, taurine, sodium citrate, microcrystalline cellulose, panax ginseng extract, ascorbic acid, tricalcium phosphate, carrageenan, caffeine, sodium alginate, niacinamide, sucralose, color added, d-glucuronolactore, guarana extract, inositol, l-carnitine l-tartrate, pyridoxine hydrochloride, riboflavin, maltodextrin.


So, there is very little difference between this and Mean Bean. I’m hoping the”natural flavors” is different because if I taste no difference between this and Mean Bean, I will be a sad Chas Rad.


Let’s open it!


I wonder why they had to add colour too!? What gives?


Woosh! Wake up and smell that! That is some strong coffee scent. Like, there’s hardly any creamy or milky scent to accompany it. This smells like a fresh batch of coffee. It also has a kind of roasted/burnt scent to it. I’m not sure I like that.


Besides, I don’t even know if this is the same coffee they used in Mean Bean. They don’t say at all! It might as well be because the little description sure doesn’t say anything different.

Taste time!


Hmm! Hmm! Ah!

Yes. They went the chocolate route.

This is actually really good. The first taste is a creamy chocolate milk-like taste which then evolves into a very roasted coffee flavour. The coffee flavour tastes kinda how it smells actually. It kinda has this bite to it that’s both burnt tasting but also acidic. Interestingly, the coffee flavour and the chocolate flavour don’t mix at all. They are like two separate flavours occupying one drink. First I experience the milk chocolate then I taste the burnt/acidic coffee taste.


I really like this one for the good chocolate flavour. They know how to fake it, that’s for sure. There might not be any cocoa in this, but it sure tastes like there is.


The sucralose flavour was sorta apparent in the Irish blend and Mean Bean, but it isn’t in this one for sure.


For this, I’ll give it a almost full suplex out of Rad. What would make this better? Kona Mocha. That would be dangerously close to a Rad out of Rad.