I have an odd problem. I’ve had this uneasy or unsettling feeling in the back of my mind all week. I’ll try to explain.
So, for this week I’ve been feeling kind glum about…well, that’s the problem. I’m not quite sure what it is. I should be quite happy actually. The Queen got a job and it looks really promising. I’ve been doing a good job at work and got a compliment on how I’ve boosted production ever since the old guy left. I’m really improving on my running and weight lifting. I kinda look more fit too. I got to talk to Gildem last night.
Why am I feeling so low then?
Usually I can understand my lowliness. I cannot right now. It is effecting me physically too. I’m constantly in this odd sort of stomach pain. I’m also kinda tired all the time too. All I want to do is play Payday or something.
What I’ve kinda think is that I’m in dire need to play video games. I haven’t played a good amount in a little while. I was playing a lot of Payday a few days ago, but going from playing it every night to maybe twice a week is quite a jump.
Don’t even say “well, that’s growing up, Chas. It isn’t that I don’t have time. It is that I’ve been doing other things instead, like being considerate. Until I get my own place, I don’t like playing past midnight because the Queen has to get up for work in the morning.
I’ve also been in pain from doing curls at the gym. My stupid left wrist has been giving me grief. It is hurting right below the thumb area. It goes from the wrist to the little muscle-like area between the thumb and index finger. It is odd because it only hurts there and only when I do curls. Right now, it feels fine. I’m thinking I need a wrist wrap when I do curls. I looked online to see if that would help, but most of the people feeling pain from curls feel it on the other side by the pinky. I’m going to try and do what this one video said and try to use my wrists less when I do the curls. I already went to the EZ Bar which sorta helped yesterday, but I could feel the pain looming. I’m thinking I just strained that part in my hand and I need to rest it longer. Maybe I should ice it.
I’ve decided to give up on Neopets. There’s just no point. The site just doesn’t draw me any longer and there’s nothing for me to do. I’m on Neoseeker again which fulfills my posting and social needs that I had on Neopets.
I’m thinking about dissolving the category and putting it into “Random Posts.” What do you think? I think it might be okay where it is, but like the Podcasts, it will be defunct.
Well, I thought this post would help me with my unsettling feeling, but instead of figuring it out, I’m releasing my mind. That works too.
Pop Tarts have this new watermelon flavour and I’m addicted to it. Normally, I don’t care for watermelon, but I am all about this. I think it is fitting for the beginning of spring when things are starting to warm up from the fairly cold January we had.
NationStates is going well. I have eliminated my military to decrease taxes so more people could get to work. I’m trying to figure out what kind of leader I am in that. See, I am a dictator, but I don’t make the government do anything. We barely fund anything at all. We have the police force, public transportation, and industry. That’s it. A dictator pretty much is an absolute ruler, but it is really the businesses that rule Capfalcon. It isn’t because they are too powerful either. I let them do it.
That alone is like per-anarchy, but I am the absolute ruler. Anarchy is the lack of government. I have a ruling body, but I don’t do much at all. Heck, even education is privatized.
I kinda like this way to rule. I don’t have to do all that much, but the people are pretty much free to live how they like. I let businesses fund things and the free market is thriving. People make money. The income gap is tiny. I suppose I’ll cut public transportation and increase the police to cut crime, but this is a borderlands. The law is a Claptrap.
YouTube hasn’t fixed the comments yet. They fixed one problem with the error message, but I still can’t approve comments. It’ll be a little while longer before I make anything there. For now, I’ll be streaming.
Oh yeah, Train Simulator stream. I played it again after my little mishap on stream, and it worked fine. I got to my destination perfectly. It was odd how it wasn’t working on stream.
You know, it is odd that Neopets was something huge to me on this blog. It caused that infamous post, and now I don’t even care about it anymore. I’m looking back at that post.
Was I wrong to post names? Yes. That’s all I regret from it. Posting names is a problem and usually doesn’t end well, even if it is just usernames. It is banned on Steam too when you’re talking smack about cheaters or whatever.
The whole point of that post is diminished by the fact that what I was angry about is so trivial and on a site that’s lacking support. The users I talked about here are insignificant to what I’m doing now. They can keep on doing whatever they want for all I care. I have no relationship with them other than what happened that day.
It is over really. That’ll just be one of those things that strikes me at odd moments.
It is hard remembering everything. The bad stuff strikes me sometimes. To this day, I remember my big mistakes which were huge at the time, but carry no weight any more. You know in that movie Inside Out where the memory dudes send the gum commercial? It is like that for me except bad memories.
Do I have a guilty conscious or something? Why do these sort of things just always linger? Why do they stay with me for this long? Why can’t I just forget?
In a way, I don’t wanna forget. Remembering things ensures me that I won’t ever do it again. You’d think the weight of the consequences would diminish over time, but they don’t. I still feel just as bad about that whole Neopets thing now as I did then. Okay, maybe it diminished a little because I’m not currently seeing the consequences. They are just simulated now.
Maybe that’s my problem. Maybe that’s why I’m always miserable. I can’t get over the old bad things that happened. Maybe it isn’t a problem. I don’t know. I see both sides. On one had, if I could just get over it, I’d feel happier. It is like a cluttered inbox. If I clear it, then I have nothing to thing about and that would make me at peace. On the other hand, it is a lesson. That’s why I remember it. It makes me feel more profound. Ignoring the bad would be a false sense of security.
I think it is just the weight that’s an issue. If I could remember the bad times, but the consequences didn’t hold me down as much, maybe I could think of the good in my life. The bad always outweighs the good in my life. It is a bad way to think, but that’s just how it is. Seeking help will never solve that. In fact, I think if I sought help that I’d feel weaker. I know it is a bad way to think, but I’m me. I need to do things on my own, or I feel worthless.
This state of worthlessness doesn’t need to extend by me seeking professional help. No. I just gotta keep on moving. The Rad Blog is my help. It is me. I help me by writing out my thoughts here. That’s basically all that a professional would do. They’d sit and listen to me for an hour and ask me questions on what I think I should do. I know how it works. I don’t need medicine either.
What I have to do is just chill. I gotta get a grip.
Anyway, this made me feel a little better. Look out for drink reactions. I have a ton of them coming.