I had something I wanted to discuss on the drive here, but I can’t remember it at the moment. I don’t know if I will ever recall it today. I’ll probably remember in like a week and realize how stupid it was and never think about it again.
Today, I feel a strange kind of sadness. Yes, Sad Chas is here right now.
If you didn’t know, I decided to make myself public on Booker. I wanted to see what old friends were doing. I’ve decided that I no longer wish to be there and will be deleting the account.
Throughout my life, I’ve deleted a Booker account at least 5 to 6 times. They all end up with the same rational behind the deletion.
I get really sad when I’m thrown into the social world. Maybe it’s because I realize how successful everyone else is and how worthless I am. Maybe it is like a ghost trying to communicate with the living. It just doesn’t belong in this world. I don’t belong in the social world really. I don’t get the faux pas. I don’t want to get them.
I’m also pretty paranoid. I don’t like my info being there. It took me a lot of preparation just to appear in costume for a video. Oddly enough, I still don’t mind it. Maybe it is because I have a mask on and it isn’t the true me.
You know how I just said how I see myself as worthless compared to others? Well, that drives a bit of hatred too. I end up disliking my friends. I don’t want that to happen.
Maybe it is a bit narcissistic of me to want to be above reproach on Booker.
Then again, I’m probably just psychotic or maybe I’m just anti-social.
Antisocial extrovert. I just glanced at some profane article on the existence. There’s one thing I do not understand.
Human interaction is not taxing on me. No. I can talk to people for hours. I can talk to multiple people for hours. It doesn’t make me tired or anything. I have a different effect. I get more and more sad or annoyed with being open. When I see those Personality Tests things and the question is “does being at a party exhaust you?” I answer honestly. No, it really doesn’t. There’s usually plenty of food and someone almost always brings soda. I’m not energized from a party either. I just am happy wherever I am because that’s where I am. I guess I work on a more content/sad scale rather than tired/energized. If the question was “does prolonged stay at a party make you feel sad?” then I would probably say it would. I start thinking of things like do these people really care or why am I even here?
Even discussing things I like for long periods of time make me sad. I like video games, but when I talk about them for a while, I realize how behind I am and that makes me think I know nothing so I shut up and want to die.
Maybe they mean “emotionally drained” instead of physically.
Enough of parties.
Booker is stupid anyway. The people I have as friends on there are either people I talk to on Steam or something or people I haven’t seen in forever and therefore what’s the point of trying to continue interaction? I suppose it is a convenient place, but for whom? People to invite me to places. Here’s my answer: no thanks. People to send me messages. Send me a Birdman chirp. Don’t have a Birdman? Comment in my box thing. It goes to my email. You don’t even have to be logged in or have a WordPress account. If you don’t wanna do any of those things, you ought to have my phone number. If you don’t have or want to do any of those things then why are you even trying to contact me?
I used to think of myself as a pretty loyal guy. I can only think of one thing that I haven’t left because I just didn’t feel like belonging to it anymore. I mean, work for sure, but I’m always looking for better opportunities until I get full time status.
I left guilds on various games because I didn’t wanna be part of it anymore. I gave the ol’ Irish Exit to the Payday crew.
Maybe that’s just social stuff. I don’t know. Maybe I’m thinking too hard on this. I get sad when I think too hard, as you might know.
I should be content. Today is Friday which means Taco Bell day. People get tacos on Tuesdays, but I was never much for social traditions.
Okay. I got it. It has been said many times that it might not matter but I’m gonna say it for the sake of my own self.
I am gonna do what makes me less sad. I do not care if it is socially accepted or whatever you wanna call it. A fad. I don’t care.
I think I know this war. I’ve seen it in many people, but it is more subtle in my case, or is it really at all? There’s always this need to be accepted by others. Generally, I’m pretty good at not really caring. I think my conscious is the one that makes me sad when I decide to go against what is generally acceptable. Whatever. Humans are complicated. That’s why there’s actual wars and stuff. No one will ever agree 100% on one thing. Ever.
With that, I suppose I should stop typing. It helped my mind ease itself.
Let’s talk about good stuff for a bit before I stop this post.
I am hoping for something good to happen. I hope it will, but who knows?
I didn’t write my Drink Reaction post for a few reasons.
Reason 1: I fell asleep.
Reason 2: When I woke up, I played Mass Effect.
Reason 3: When I finished playing Mass Effect, it was like 9 PM and having an energy drink around then would keep me up all night.
So, maybe I’ll do one today instead. I posted a poll on Birdman and it looks like Fruit Punch is going to be my first victim. My brother likes that one the best out of all the Kickstarts so we’ll see, right?
The daily prompt is like “Imagine your favourite character from film, television, or literature. What would you like to talk about with them? Write a post about hanging out with them.” It didn’t include video games so I didn’t feel like doing it. Film? Uh, John Wick? I wouldn’t wanna hang out with him. He’d probably get me killed or kill me or both. What do I mean by “both?” He’d probably try to kill me but in the process I run off a building trying to escape. Television. Uh. I don’t watch a lot of television. Joey from friends? That might be cool. Matt LeBlanc and I have the same birthday. We could just sit around his apartment and eat chicken parm subs all day or play foosball. It wouldn’t really make for an interesting post. Literature? Eh. A Jay Gatsby party would be nice, but this whole post shows why I probably wouldn’t enjoy it, though he could give me a job. That might be nice. Still, not really interesting posts from Chas. I mean, this is a great idea, just not a post in my repertoire.
J’aime les mots Français.
Au revoir, Rad Blog.