Chas Update before I begin. I realized the page I made for the “About Chas Rad” wasn’t showing up so I fixed it. Should be good now. I also re-added the like feature on the blog. People were still liking posts here somehow. I have no idea. I took it away because I think “likes” are stupid, but people still somehow did it so I might as well put it back. Delaying the inevitable is holding me back.
That’s what I’m thinking about right now.
I’ve been thinking about younger me. I swore I’d hold every grudge I ever created back then. Now, I’m thinking about these grudges.
A lot of those “positive thinking” people will say holding grudges holds you back, but I think of it more as a lesson. I hold my grudges because it reminds me of how things happened and if I forgive and forget, then what did I really learn?
I believe I was slightly wrong. I’m holding onto so many grudges, that when my low lows kick in, I feel just as bad as I did then. Those days were pretty poor, to me anyway. I’m sure someone else has it worse, but I don’t care about that.
Anyway, I figure that I’m holding these grudges the wrong way. I mean, I think that by keeping them in my mind for so long, I have never really progressed past that era. By keeping the memory alive, I hold myself to that time forever.
I have a new idea for myself. I will never let go of grudges, but instead I won’t hold as much value to it. The people that have wronged me or the things that went wrong will never change. That is a fact.
It is hard to explain, so I’ll try making a metaphor or something. When someone gets a cut, it heals, but leaves a scar. The scar is a reminder of a mistake. These grudges, I keep them fresh and open. I allow the bleeding to happen. I need to let them scar over, but the scars don’t really go away. Positive thinkers make you believe that they do, but they won’t.
I suppose I’m saying that I need to prioritize grudges lower. That’s it. That’s what I’m trying to say. They take too much memory.
Screw the scar metaphor. It is like having your computer continually download updates over and over while you try to watch something online and then complain why the video keeps buffering. The CPU usage is too high. These grudges take too much CPU. I’ll make their priority lower. Updates are still important just as grudges are.
I have another thought.
How much can I learn from these lessons? There’s a point in time where studying something enough becomes redundant. These old grudges are exactly what they are: old. I know how poor my younger days were and I know I made other mistakes. I suppose I haven’t learned it all yet. I think I hold them close because I still don’t believe in me. I still think that those problems can and/or will happen again.
I’ve been playing a lot of Star Wars-like games lately. There is always an issue with you, the character, being a Jedi and being tempted by the Dark Side or a Sith and learning that the Dark Side isn’t great. Either way, the game always feels like that the Light Side is the correct way and the Dark Side is wrong. I’ve been thinking about this a lot.
I’m sure most of you readers have some inkling of Star Wars. I don’t really like the movies because there’s a lot of nothing going on and then when the action happens, it is only for short bursts. That’s why the games are more appealing to me because I control the outcome.
Anyway, Yoda or whoever is talking to the young Jedi always warns them about fear and hate being temptations of the Dark Side. The dark Jedi like Darth Sidious, always say to give into hate and fear because they are strong emotions thus making the use of the Force stronger. I look at this and say why would I want to put a dampener on my control of the Force? Anger and sadness make you stronger? Why not let them go?
What really makes this Dark Side wrong? Just because I have a lot of anger and sadness and fear doesn’t mean I’m morally evil. It just means I am messed up in the head.
Then again, I suppose it all comes down to willpower. Once someone with anger sees how strong they are, they will use their newly found strength for ill purposes. Also, somewhere down the line someone that turned to the Dark Side must have been inherently evil and brainwashed others to think like him/her.
I wish I could talk about Knights of The Old Republic here, but I would hate to spoil things.
The Jedi show themselves as emotionless peacekeepers. They devote themselves to study and keeping a clear mind. It becomes difficult to many. Keeping a clear mind feels like an uphill battle to me.
Is it truly peace to have a clear mind? What if there’s pressing matters and you feel nothing about them because you’re thinking of serenity?
Oh. This is part of the Sith Code. “Peace is a lie, there is only passion.”
I suppose it is true. People are passionate about different things. Some are about a sports team. Some are about gardening. Some are about human rights.
Are the Jedi then passionate about keeping a clear mind? There is no peace.
It is those who do not keep calm that make changes, both good and bad. When we, as humans, are fed up with something, we rally. We do not keep calm. We push for change.
The struggle for peace is a conflict. There will never be complete peace as long as we fight for it, but then again if we do not fight for it, then there will never be our illusion of peace.
This hurts my head.
The only way we can become emotionless is if we become robots.
Although, don’t Jedi feel something? They feel the world for what it is. The Force is their guide.
So, with this idea they believe a spiritual being is the true way of life and should fuel the action of us living organisms rather than letting our emotions rule. No. That sounds like enslavement to me.
I think there is much I don’t understand. It doesn’t really matter because the Force, Jedi, and Sith aren’t real. They only make good stories. It opens perspective to thinking.
I’m also pretty hungry right now. You know the Snickers commercials. You get a little (insert something here) when you’re hungry. I get a bit sad when I’m hungry.
See you. I didn’t wanna do the prompt today. It was kinda dumb.