I think I’m going to go a little against my whole “I Hope I don’t Have To Post This Again” post with this. Today, I lost the plot. I completely bottled the exam thing I needed for the full time job interview. The HR Lady, although nice, told me I wasn’t really qualified for the job. No arguments there. I didn’t deserve it because of how poorly I did.
This made me think of myself and how smart I actually am. I often times say I’m pretty dumb, but most of the time that’s just to keep me in my self-loathing mindset. This made me think hard on if I was actually just not that smart. At first, I thought I had to be. This stuff is basic work. I’ve studied what the test had and I’ve done it before. How come I screw it up now?
Then, after some conversation at work with some older, probably wiser, people, I was told that it was not my fault that I did poorly on the test and didn’t get the job, but it was not my destiny to get it and do well.
In this situation, I want to argue that I probably should have done better. I think if I practiced more or something that I would have done well on the test and the HR Lady would be more interested in how rad I am rather than what else I can do. Let me tell you, that conversation may have seemed pleasant, but it made me feel even worse about the whole situation.
Sympathetically, the professor guy is right. It wasn’t my destiny to get the job. Realistically, I sucked at the test and the job wasn’t going to me. If I had done well on the test, what would have been the outcome? I would probably have gotten the job and would have been happy doing it, albeit it being hard.
I don’t like to believe in destiny and karma and all that stuff that just kinda falls in the “everything happens for a reason” branch. I don’t buy it. I do believe everything happens for a reason, but a reason that can be explained. This job will not go to me because I was not good enough on the test. It is not “Oh Chas, you didn’t get the job because they saw someone more qualified.” No! I think I would have had a better chance to get the job if I did well on this test. It is not in the stars that says Chas will not get this job.
Fine. I’m over it, sorta. The sting of me failing is still here though.
He said to rejoice that I failed. I cannot do that. Why should I be happy that I failed? According to him, it is a way to know that the job was not meant for me. To me, it tells me there is a huge underlining problem that I don’t know enough stuff for a job I probably should have had. Am I happy that I know it now? No! I’m more “Well, I know I suck now. I guess I should improve or give up.” I think I’ll be going with the give up right now and focus on something else.
A game I know and kinda love is Hotline Miami. I must have died over 1000 times in that game, many times because I do the same stupid thing. What do I do when I fail too many times? I quit and play something else. That’s what I’m gonna do with this job. I’m gonna stop looking in that line of work, and figure something else out instead.
He told me that I should go back to school and get a graduate degree in something I love. He obviously has never read this blog. Yet, I got suckered into taking a programming class. Why am I so easily convinced that something is good?
That’s what I can take from this situation. I am too easily convinced. I was convinced I knew enough to pass the test. I was convinced I was going to get the job. I was convinced that this class would be good for me. I was convinced that I was better than I really am. I’ll learn this well and never make the same stupid mistake again.
He told me that I’m rushing into things. How can I be rushing when there’s no where to go?
I really wish I could just figure out what I love. I come to that thought a lot. What do I love? What am I passionate about? What do I wanna be when I grow up? I don’t know. I didn’t know then. I still won’t know tomorrow. He said I should stop looking for a job and find a career. That is what I’ve been trying to figure out for the last 3 years I think. That’s rushing. I’m not gonna think about that. No. I won’t go find a career because I don’t even know what I like. It obviously isn’t literature and it now is obvious that I can’t be an assistant.
This isn’t my concern. I shouldn’t dwell on this. I just need to flow with the go.
Grooveshark is broken. I have no music to write with and it is very unpleasant. POST EDIT: Grooveshark is dead. They have shut down the site because of legal reasons. Music has officially died to me. That is not a hyperbole.
Sometimes pep talks aren’t for everyone. They aren’t for me. I know they don’t work because of my defeatism and my inferiority complex. I think the best way for me to feel better is not by hearing that things will get better, but letting me talk it out to no one and no one responds back because it is a void that just takes in what I have to say and says nothing back. Pep talks make me know that I am unhappy with myself while talking it out let’s me feel unhappy and let’s me sort it myself.
Tomorrow I go back to the temporary job where after it is over I lose all my jobs. It pays more, but I will lose all my hours. I weighed this and I said that learning what this temporary job entails is probably better for my resume than sitting here and applying to everything that looks feasible.
Okay. That’s enough of this. I’ll leave this post here.
I’ll reflect on the professor’s ideas. I still don’t think he’s right. Maybe I just don’t believe in anything. Is that bad?