I’ve been feeling pretty off right now, so I’m hoping that writing will help.
I feel like I have some sort of problem right now. Usually, I only get sad about myself when I’m at home, but it is here right now at work. I am trying my best to do all my work right, but my mind isn’t here. I’ve been double checking myself just to make sure I didn’t screw up, so there’s no worries there. My problem is that me being sad has made me sluggish. I don’t like being sluggish at work. When I’m at work, the world is supposed to disappear. Work is in its own universe. Work Chas and Chas Rad are completely different people…sorta. Work Chas is responsible and level headed and a rock. Chas Rad is an emotional car wreck constantly thinking about things. They both make jokes and try to cheer everyone else up, but the biggest difference is that Work Chas lives in the moment while Chas Rad lives in his mind.
I think my mind is forcing itself to become apparent because things were touching a bit close to home. For one, I am apparently in mourning for something which made me joke that I’m in mourning over my life since I have a useless degree and a job with no future advancement. Then I brought out my “Myth of Sisyphus” reference when I was tri-folding a bunch of letters. I guess my mind jumped to “Oh crap, here we go again.”
Then WordPress’ prompt today is about practical skills and that made me think “Well, what if I went to the tech school instead of high school?” I wouldn’t be writing here I don’t think. I developed my interest in writing in high school. It isn’t very good, but I do it anyway.
Then I had a conversation with one of the professors here about school and he told me about his wife and how she was all set to be an accountant and then realized she hated it and did something else. That makes me timid, honestly. I went to school for English, which I found out during my senior year that I absolutely hated and now have a degree that I rue.
The professor guy said “It is never too late to do something else,” which forced me to think “what if he’s right?” Is he right? Is it really not too late for me to do something? What would I even do?
That’s my problem. I don’t know what I want to do. Dom told me he too doesn’t know what to do. Last night, I was chatting with one of the Lab professors here and he was like I’m 29 and I still don’t know what I like.
I suppose I still have time to figure something out. On one hand, I want to be told what to do because I think I function best when someone tells me what to do. Then again, when someone DOES tell me what to do, then I get all “Oh, I don’t wanna do that.”
I think I want someone to say “Chas, this is what you like. I’ve seen you super happy doing things like it and you know a lot about it so you should go do it.” I think I need this because I short change myself in everything and anything I do. I, in full honesty, think I’m pretty crap. The Rad thing is a façade, really.
What I need is direction. Direction is the hardest thing to find. I have never a “mentor” or someone I could look to for guidance without feeling like a burden. Maybe I don’t need one. Maybe I need to just pull myself out of this and do it myself. Direct myself.
I can’t do that.
Accepting defeat makes me go no where, but I just can’t see it. I don’t know how, and don’t give me that “just do it” crap my family gives me. Just do it? I’m not a shoe.
It gets to the point that being rejected from basically every full time job I apply to doesn’t even matter to me anymore.
Maybe I shouldn’t have been directed before. All through school and college, I was told which classes to take and which college to go to and which job to work. I was told to do it and I did it. Now, everything is ambiguous. This kind of behavior causes people to think less of other people.
Enough. I don’t need to dig myself further down.
My mind sees the word through a shattered window.
When I was a youngin’ there was a song on the radio. My classmates were enjoying the song and singing along. I thought it was catchy so I wanted to sing along too, but this one kid said I shouldn’t sing because I was bad. I stopped.
It wasn’t something to affect me until today. I sing to crap all the time on the radio. Just today, Aerosmith was on and I was like “DON’T WANNA CLOSE MAAAH EYES!” I don’t know why that thought came to my head. Maybe it a reference to how I’m too influenced.
I think it was my boss back in the day. Always finding faults with everything. He wasn’t so good, but I liked my job enough. Maybe I did suck. I was a younger Chas. I’m better now.
I thought about going back to Booker the other day. I was thinking about making a profile and adding old friends because I wanted to see if they were okay.
This is becoming off topic. This is fine. Clearing my mind.
A nice chat with a professor. He called me “Caboose.” I didn’t bring him a birthday cake. It isn’t his birthday.
I feel a little more accepted here by the staff. I mean, my office does, but I’m talking about the whole school and all the teachers. They know who I am. They know me as the night guy that has cool music and makes good talk at the end of the day. Most of them find me funny enough, but some don’t really appreciate my humour. What is my humour anyway? I feel like it is pointing fun at common things or real life things or making comedic allusions. I don’t know.
Now we get to the 2 hour stretch until quitting time.
I’m gonna end this here. I’m becoming a ramblin’ man.