Did Boxer realize his current state when he finally found out where he was sent?

I’m talking about being obsolete.

I’m currently not feeling so great about myself so I did some thinking. I’m falling by the wayside.

I figured that people react to things because it strikes a nerve. When someone gets mad about being called egotistical, it is usually because they fear being rejected or not being good enough.

So I’m feeling upset because I look at the world today and realize I don’t like it one bit. It is too proactive and too profane. There’s too many acronyms and too much slang.

By not liking it to the point of vehemently rejecting it, I show my true nature of feeling obsolete. The problem is deep rooted.

When I was younger, I thought people who are about 50 or so now only hate people my age because they don’t want to understand technology or whatever and it was different in their day. They think people my age are lazy. This isn’t all true because as I grew older I found it is just a handful of people that think that way and a lot more accept it.

I think I’m turning into what I used to bemoaned those years ago, and I’m sure it is because I cannot keep up with it. I probably can keep up with it, but I just rather not and stay stuck in my good days of the past.

I went back to places I used to regularly visit today and saw all my old acquaintances were long gone. It is to be expected, but I am a ghost. I said a few posts ago that my passive mind thinks of the past and how things should have been.

What am I getting at then? I’m.saying I have a sort of fear.of becoming obsolete. I can already see it with my college degree in an already obsolete field. I can see it in my social life by not knowing anything and labeling such things as trivial.

I’ve tried to find my mental problem my entire life. I was hoping it would be something better than a stupid fear. Fear is stupid. I fear nothing. I suppose a better way to say it is find complete displeasure of something. Yes. I don’t really fear being obsolete. I’m more “Well I’m useless. Might as well die” mindset. What’s that called?

Did Boxer know what happened to him? Hard work should prevail until your efforts are futile. You can keep grinding a sword to make.it sharper, but keeping at it will turn the sword into nothing but shards. When is my effort futile then?

Maybe I should just go to sleep. This post has been a good excuse to listen to “Goodbye Sky Harbor.”

I am but one small instrument.

POST EDIT: It just occurred to me that the song is a reference to a book called A Prayer For Owen Meany which when I looked into it was super similar to a movie I recently saw called Simon Birch. I looked it up and the film is loosely based on the book. I rather liked the film.