I’ve noticed I’ve been doing a lot of writing here that’s based off prompts or reviews and I haven’t been writing my own thoughts lately. Technically, it is my own thoughts with some fuel to get me going, but I feel kinda bad that I haven’t been “all me” lately.
Do I really feel bad? In a way, yeah. I kinda feel like doing these activities kinda makes me a sell out, but at the same time I don’t really care because I like doing these reviews and I like writing for the prompt. It has gotten me to want to write here more instead of going weeks without anything.
I haven’t been thinking in depth much lately which is good because being simple puts me in a better mood. I feel like when I think too hard about things, I get upset. I can’t help but think only bad things after I think so long about something.
Today I was thinking about Villa and their predicament. It got to the point where I thought so long about it that I had to cut myself off from the other fans on Twitter again or else I was gonna get too depressed about it. I think Villa will go down this season. I have been simulating it in my mind on if Villa go down and how I would handle it. At first I was angry and my usual discontent-to-depressed mood, but now I’m kinda numb to the fact. I don’t like in the UK so I don’t have to worry about pranksters from other towns getting on my case about it. No one around seems to know about Villa so they don’t really care.
I think with a drop to the Championship will lead to a reconstruction. The team needs a reconstruction. There’s a lot of wasted money. I think Tim Sherwood is probably good for Villa. I also think with his control for a while, the team will end up being mid-table eventually. In relegation, I think Villa will struggle the first season and then come back strong in the second season. Yes. Villa will stay in the Championship for 2 season I think. This also depends on if Randy Lerner sells the club to someone who is interested or not. I know with Relegation, we’ll see the backs of Benteke, Vlaar (he was going anyway), Sinclair (I mean he will totally rule out a permanent move), and probably see others like Delph, Gil, Sanchez, and Okore go too. It is all stuff I don’t wanna think about because I don’t want to think about it right now.
I also was thinking about alternative worlds where the alternative Chas could talk to current Chas about what has happened. I always thought about that, even as a kiddo. I came to think that I wouldn’t even be surprised if a future or past me would come and chat. I believe the future Chas would also feel this way.
I think one of my biggest problems is that I think so much about what I’ve done or what I’m going to do that I forget about what is currently happening. In high school, I thought so much about things when I was younger. In college, I thought of all the mistakes I made in high school. Now, out of college, I think of what I should have done differently in college to have a better life. I think when I eventually get hired full time, I’ll think back to now and say why didn’t I just talk to so and so or do this to help get me here. After that, I’ll be thinking why I took the full time job anyway because I eventually find out I really like doing something completely different. It is a cycle that will never end. I call it the Chas Cycle of Discontent.
I learned about existentialism in high school, and I really wanted to live it. In a way, I do. In my mind, I run on active and passive thinking. My active thinking goes day by day and does nothing else. My passive mind thinks about the past and all the things my active mind has led me to do. When I write, both come together to produce this rambling nonsense I call a blog. It is why I cannot be creative. I cannot see outside of active and passive. I cannot see the future.
When I say, I haven’t been thinking a lot, it means my passive mind hasn’t been doing a whole lot. I think existentialism is a good concept because when I’m living for the now, I’m closer to happy than anything else. The future is kind of a drag. The only thing I think about for the future is bracing for the absolute worse possibilities I can see in the now, like with Aston Villa. They aren’t doing well. They have a game tomorrow, but i don’t feel good about it. I brace for the worst possible future.
I really shouldn’t think so much, I think.
Currently, I feel abandoned. That’s it. I feel abandoned. By what? I don’t know. I just feel alone sorta. I feel like I’m off all wavelengths and that I knew before is gone. The active mind is trying to branch out and do things which is why I’ve been writing all these prompt posts probably, but my passive mind feels lost. I am lost.
Lost is another post coming soon. Gotta explore how lost I really am.
I’m also getting hungry. Like those Snickers commercials where the American Football team is listening to their coach who is Robin Williams (RIP) go on and on about something and they are like yo Coach! You are a lunatic when you’re hungry so eat this.
I think I’m going a bit depressed-hungry right now. Most of the time it is angry-hungry.
Music! I’ll talk about music. Tokimonsta or TOKiMONSTA or whatever is pretty cool. She kinda reminds me a little of Flying Lotus, but less experimental. She has more of a downtempo feel to her stuff, but it is still kinda experimental. It is that hip hop beat I get. That’s it. She’s pretty cool.
Today I wanted to join a gym and lift weights. I’m not paying that much money to do that. I’d join that Planet Fitness place, but it is too far away. I also think their rates are probably different from advertised. There’s probably some kind of thing I’m missing. 10 dollars down and 10 a month. So, if I join for a year, would that be 130 bucks? There’s a bunch of gyms in my area, but I think their prices are ab it high for me. I don’t want a tanning salon or whatever. I just wanna be able to go there, do a routine of whatever, and go. I don’t want a pool. I don’t want a sauna. I don’t want a trainer. I guess I won’t join a gym. I’ll just sit here and think about it and eat candy. Spring is here again. I think I’ll try and get out to play some football more. The only problem with that is the park I go to is kinda used by the local middle school for their gym class, so I don’t wanna break any trespassing laws or whatever. I could go somewhere else, but their goal posts are horrible and if I miss, it goes in a retention pond thing filled with mosquitoes. The other is at a school which I can’t use during school hours unless I wanna be arrested.
I think music helps me de-stress like it does for most people. Chilling with this downtempo stuff helps. It is also good blogging music.
I downloaded FL Studio in hopes I could figure out how to make downtempo stuff, but I just didn’t know what I was doing. I could watch a tutorial or something, but I don’t think I’d be that good at it. Making music has never been my thing. I was put in piano lessons when I was younger, but I never did so well in that. I tried the viola in high school which I enjoyed, but I never did hard things with it. I’m sure not being able to read music would have caught up to me.
Okay, that’s enough of this. See ya next time. Might be a prompt post, but I haven’t been feeling those lately. Today’s is kinda impossible for me.