Two posts in one day, Chas? You must not be too busy.
That I am! I’ve been doing a lot of thinking tonight. One one side of the mind, I’m dreading working with a certain someone again…that’s a story for another time. I like this job, but this person is pretty toxic.
On the other side, I’m thinking about careers and stuff like I usually do. I think I’m breaking some new walls in my thought process.
Let me be honest here, like I usually am, thinking about this sucks. It really, really does. It is probably my least favourite thing since The War. In fact, this surpasses The War as the worst thing ever. I hate not knowing what I am gonna do or what I wanna do. Every post helps… I think.
So, I looked into more articles and stuff on how to determine what I should be and I find the usual “you need to love what you do” malarkey I find on every site ever. I’m torn on this idea. I have come to understand when people seek their passion, it eventually guides them to be a somebody. Why is this? Well, it is because they want to actually work on being that somebody. If I wanted to be President of the USA (which I don’t) then I’d run a course to get there. Get elected. Get a bunch of yes-men, become a lawyer or business mongol. All that stuff attributes to being elected.
Part of my personality, I think, is looking at the big picture and completely ignoring all the details. I forget that the President of Sega probably started off with branding foods. With education and experience, he rose to the top. Did he wanna be president of Sega? I think he wanted to be president of something and Sega just was there.
My problem is that I want whatever I do to be worth my time. I don’t wanna go on and study law to be a police man just to find out that law is too hard and I don’t actually care about it. I also said bollocks to the police academy. That’s a ton of commitment and time having some angry drill guy yelling at me to do push ups. I wouldn’t break down and cry, but I probably would just be more willing to give up and not deal with it.
So, is it the road blocks that stop me from trying to do anything? Partly I think, but like I said, I wanna do something worthwhile. I know I’m not gonna like some dude yelling at me, so why should I bother going through with it? I want the obstacles I eventually go through to be less of a chore and more of a test to see if I’m worth my salt. It is like Hotline Miami. The game is hard, but I kept on playing it because I liked everything about it.
I also think I have a problem with people. I’m pretty sure 90% of the world would hate me if they knew me. When I go to interviews, I think I come off as some punk that is clueless about the field and also pretty dumb. The others that DON’T think of me like that see that college degree and skip over me because I’m gonna “want” to move on from the job.
Whatever about that. Not my concern right now.
I’m talking about passion. I tried to think of something I like, but I come up with excuses like “there’s no money in that” or “I shoulda did this when I was going into college” or even “I’m not nearly good enough to do this professionally.” Take blogging for instance. Do I like it? I write about me so yeah, I do. Could I do it professionally? I suppose. I’d need to research things for a company and talk about the all new graphics drive or best majors for college or how texting with your index fingers makes your reaction time better. I don’t care about any of that stuff. Like…none at all. I don’t wanna write for a company. So don’t.
Okay, then I have to write for me and make people want to read this. No one wants to read about my life. A few do, but a huge audience so I monetize? Most people have Ad-Blocker anyway.
Then I look at other things I like. Aston Villa. I never stepped foot in Birmingham, so how could any fan take me seriously? I know the guys at 7500 to Holte are Americans and haven’t been to Villa Park, but I think the blog is more of a hobby than anything. This led me to think of MLS teams, but I can’t stand the MLS. Maybe I could if I watched more.
Then I thought about gaming and stuff. I’ve done it since I was a kiddo and played Mario Kart on the SNES, but there’s one problem with that. I was never actually good at Mario Kart…or any game for that matter. Playing games professionally is tough. I like the guys that do, and I am happy for them, but they get so much hate from random people. I couldn’t take it. It is one of those obstacles I just can’t see me passing.
Game Blogging? Well, it might be worth a shot, but I’m not too keen on stuff. People are polarized on things like Battlefield Hardline. I simply do not care about it. It is another first person shooter to me. Would I play it? Maybe, I guess. I wouldn’t buy it for sure. I’m not interested in it.
So what about stuff I do know? I like Hotline Miami. I could write about that I suppose, but what is there to say? It looks like the original. It has good music. It is harder then the first game. Is that interesting? No.
What I really think is that the thing I’m good at and passionate about has yet to appear to me. I think I don’t know what it is yet because I never tried it or I never heard of it.
This is what schools need to do. History and all that is important to learn, but where are skills for life? Where’s intro to plumbing? They are just now adding coding in grade schools. What if I was really good at that as a youngin’? I probably wouldn’t be because I’m pretty trash with numbers, but I’m just saying what if I ended up getting good at it? We used to have a car shop class at my high school, but it was only open to juniors and seniors and then they got rid of the car shop at the end of my freshman year.
All these career interest tests I’ve taken have these categories that jobs fall under and I think schools should have had small classes to see if students learned or liked to learn in one way over another. My failures should not have to happen to little Joey who just started 2nd grade.
That’s not what this post is about because this is about passion. Obviously, I’m not a very good writer. I am actually. this post is just me thinking. If I were to write a cohesive thing, then it would be pretty cohesive.
I think I’ve said all I can say about passion. Maybe I should start a second blog and call it Chas Rad’s Games N’ Crapo Blog. I’ll write reviews and stuff. I review drinks all the time. It isn’t really a review though and more of a reaction. Reactions are good, right? Maybe I’m on to something. Probably not. Feedback. Yes. Need that. I’ll send my drink reactions to some dude that reacts to stuff for a living and say hey dude, is this any good or am I wasting my time with thinking of trying to do this in real life?
The thing I return to every time I think about passion is I know what I do not want to do and that is anything in science, mathematics, or computer coding. I know that’s where the money and the job surge is, but if I can’t do it, then why bother? It is a known fact I am poor at math. It is also a known fact (to me) that I don’t care about biology, chemistry, or physics. I have also tried reading this Intro to C++ book and I was lost in the introduction page.
I also read once that what I liked to do as a kiddo is what I might like to do in the future. When I was a youngin’ I liked to dress up like Batman and the black Power Ranger . I also liked playing with my castle, pirate ship, and wild west figures and making them fight and run the daily life of whatever. As I got older, I liked video games and making lame videos on my Intel Play camera . I did mock interviews with plush toys of Luigi and Mario as well as whatever else I had. I also made lame action films too with them. There were also movies of my friends at the time which were always fun. Video games and making movies was my before-teen years. As a teen, I stuck with video games, but I also liked music. Not really enough to learn how to play it, but just enough to want to play it. My first “blog” started then too. I called it The CharleZton Times. I wrote stupid articles about outrageous things like the people of Tonka Trucks are actually launching a rocket to the moon or how General Grant is alive and well and runs a fictitious country. As I grew older, I decided to make Vlogs, but scrapped it when I got paranoid and moved on to making videos on me playing video games. They were okay, but I wasn’t happy with YouTube so I quit. Then the Rad Blog happened in college which was more (maybe) serious version of the Times.
So what is the common theme in my life so far? Making content it seems. I never really had a big audience, but I liked what I did, for the most part. I might have short changed myself by not publicizing my stuff. My stuff could have been good. My stuff could have been interesting. I just never had that audience.
What does that mean? I said it up a bit. I said my passion is something I didn’t know or haven’t seen yet. I have never given myself the chance to have a big audience. I have never really wanted one because I was afraid of being criticized as whatever or me falling into the sell out category. I’m far from selling out or having the ability to, but I just don’t want to have that ever happen.
Do I try it again? I don’t know. Maybe reacting to stuff is my passion. Who do I like most on YouTube? Ashens. What does he do? React to stuff. Who else do I like/liked on YouTube? Angry Video Game Nerd, Peanutbuttergamer, Game Theorists, Charles Trippy. Reacts to things, Reviews/Reacts/Presents things, analyzes things, and reacts to life. That’s what these guys do. It made me want to try it, didn’t it? That’s where all these guys say they start. Tons of people say Angry Video Game Nerd made them wanna make videos and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t part of that. It seemed fun.
So what’s wrong with me? I think I stymie myself with things like “I’m not good/funny enough” and “No one cares what Chas thinks.” That’s the inferiority complex.
So I guess I just figured out myself out then. I probably found my passion but my inferiority complex blocks me from getting to it. Maybe that isn’t such a bad thing, though. There’s so many people trying to make it on the internet. Why should I waste my time trying to be one of the many other failed tries?
What did I say before? I said something like passion makes people great and the obstacles are worth it. Something like that.
First thing is to believe in myself.
That’s the first step.
That’s the hardest step of all the steps ever to take.
Will I do it?
I’m going home. This has been…enlightening. See ya later Rad Blog.