Hello Rad Blog.

 

So, I’ve been playing a lot of Dragon Age lately and I was streaming most of it. I am not on Dragon Age Inquisition so I thought I’d give you a recap of what happened in Origins and Dragon Age 2. 

 

The rest of this post is gonna have so many spoilers of the plot so you probably shouldn’t read this unless you don’t care. Hey! I only made some choices. There’s a lot of other choices to be made in the game.

 

Walrus Cousland

Once upon a time in a nice fancy castle-thing in Highever, lived a young man who looked like he was 80. Walrus Cousland was the son of a rich noble. He enjoyed his time in the castle where he pretty much chilled the entire day, except when he practiced fighting with his brother.

One day, Darkspawn came by and there was whispers that this could have been the start of a new blight. Obviously, no one believed the Grey Wardens because they are full of themselves and turn people into ticking time bombs. The teyrn asked for the noble house Cousland’s aid in fighting this darkspawn in some place down south. Da-da Cousland said his oldest son, brother of Walrus, would ride ahead while he would help the Arl Howe. Walrus wanted nothing to do with this fight because he really wanted to chill and drink lemonade. Besides, there was Walrus’ capable friend, Ser Gilmore, to help fight. To make matters worse, Duncan, a Grey Warden, came to the house to aid the fight but also to look for new recruits. Da-da Cousland suggested Ser Gilmore, but Duncan was more interested in Walrus like a creepy old man. Walrus rebuked Duncan’s idea saying that the Grey Wardens are stupid.

Ser Gilmore and Walrus were called to the kitchen to see what was the matter. Walrus’ war hound, Dog, found some deadly rats and killed them. With night approaching, Walrus met in his brother’s room with the rest of his family to say goodbye. Walrus’ brother asked Walrus to keep an eye on Mummy Cousland and his wife and son while he went away. Walrus scoffed and sent him on his way.

 

Then…DISASTER!

 

The Arl Howe turned against the noble house and sent men to kill the entire Cousland family. Walrus found his mother, shocked to see what happened. Angered, Walrus slaughtered any of the Arl’s men he found. Unfortunately, Walrus’ brother’s wife and son were killed in the attack. Running through the castle, Walrus and his mother found that the front door was being sieged by the Arl’s men. Ser Gilmore bravely held the door shut. Walrus and his mother ran to the hidden passage where they might escape. There, Walrus saw his father, bleeding to death. Walrus’ mother beseeched him to go on without them, but he refused. Suddenly, Duncan came and was like let’s go, but I came here to recruit and since Gilmore is dead, I’m taking you. Walrus was like sod off you lousy tosspot, but Duncan used the Right of Conscription to force Walrus to become a Grey Warden and to escape with him, leaving Mummy and Da-Da to die. Thanks for nothing, Duncan.

 

Luckily, Dog escaped too.

 

Then Duncan took Walrus to this place where he was recruiting a bunch of idiots that wanted to be Grey Wardens. He sent Walrus to explore the camp where Walrus took his anger out on a prisoner. He stabbed the dude who left behind a key to a chest. Walrus then met with a dopey dude who was making lame jokes to some mage named Alistair. Walrus instantly hated him. Alistair insisted to follow Walrus around until the Joining ceremony began. Walrus, Alistair, an idiot named Davish (probably), and a bigger idiot named Ser Jory, went into the woods to kill a bunch of darkspawn and find some book or something. When they got to the woods, a dying soldier was like “Help me!” and Alistair was all like “Let’s help him” but Walrus stabbed him instead.

When the idiots and Walrus found the place where the book was supposed to be, some creepy lady came in and talked in some kind of archaic fashion. Alistair said his only funny line in the game  and the lady took the idiots and Walrus to her house where her even crazier mother gave them the book. It took like 5 hours to get this book when all the archaic speaking lady could have done was met with the group and gave them the book when they got to the place. Then again, she didn’t really know them, but that doesn’t matter.

With the book in hand, Duncan made the new idiots and Walrus drink the blood. Drinking the blood kills people. At best, you just get cursed with nightmares of darkspawn and a 20 year life span. Davish didn’t make it. Ser Jory refused to drink it which made Duncan kill him like the savage he is (Duncan that is, not Jory. Jory is just an idiot). Somehow, Walrus survived and cursed Alistair and Duncan for making him drink the stuff.

Duncan urgently made Alistair and Walrus run up a tower to light a fire so the counterattack could happen. Alistair was like “I wanna fight the battle with you guys!” and Walrus was like “Shut it you glory hunting slag.” They made it to the tower and fought a giant thing and lit the signal, but the counterattack retreated instead of joined. Because of that, Duncan and the stupid king died in battle. The darkspawn broke into the tower in crazy numbers which meant certain death for Alistair and almost certain death for Walrus.

Unfortunately, Alistair survived when Walrus woke up in the archaic speaking woman’s house. Her name was Morrigan. She took 2 hours to explain what happened in Shakespearean-like dialogue when she could have spoke plain English.  Turns out Morrigan’s mother turned into an osprey or something and saved Alistair and Walrus.  Alistair cried about Duncan, but said that this was a real blight and they needed an army. Morrigan’s mother chimed in when she didn’t really have to but Alistair suggested that Walrus and he should get the dwarves, Dalish elves, and mages to help with the problem. Alistair also said they should vist his old friend Arl of Redcliffe for help. Walrus was all like “What is this ‘we’ stuff?” Somehow, Morrigan’s mother convinced Walrus to help and made her lame daughter tag along. Walrus was like, why? I can’t understand her. Morrigan’s mother was like then let her guide you out of the wild.

 

Morrigan guided them, where Walrus and Alistair found some highway men that looked a lot like Jory and Davish. The highwaymen were killed. Walrus then said “See ya Morrigan” and she ran back home. In the town, Walrus met a churchlady that joined them with her sneaky knife skills and a grumpy Qunari who killed a bunch of people. Walrus liked the churchlady. She had a French accent.

 

First, Walrus went to the elves in the forest. The elves got all mad at him and he almost said sod it until Alistair forced his “But I’m a Grey Warden” ways on them. Walrus learned the elves couldn’t help because they were all sick. Walrus said “Are you bloody kidding me? A sick note?” but they actually were sick and they were turning into werewolves. Walrus went into the forest to see what he could do. it turned out the werewolves were actually cursed by the elf leader. Walrus thought he could trick the elf leader into going in himself to fight the werewolves, but he was too smart. After kicking the crap out of the elf leader, but he only sacrificed himself which cured all the elves and all the werewolves. The werewolves were actually people. Walrus demanded money, but they were like we don’t have any so he killed them all.

With that solved, the elves sided with Walrus on the war against the darkspawn.

Then some crazy elf assassin tried to kill Walrus, only to sweet talk his way to not being murdered. Elfman was also a knifeman. Walrus took him along.

Walrus then went to the dwarf city where there was political turmoil due to the king’s recent death. To get anywhere, Walrus had to side with one of the two likely candidates. One of them was the king’s son who was accused of fratricide. The other was some general dude who was making shady deals. Walrus went with the son because he couldn’t care less about the dwarf politics and figured why not keep the kingship in the family name. Walrus then went in the Deep Roads where the darkspawn live to find this special dwarf called a Paragon to help cast the deciding vote. This Paragon was the wife of some drunken dwarf who said he was coming to help find his wife. His name was..Oghren or something. Dwarfman helped Walrus cut through the darkspawn where he found out that Dwarfman’s wife was trying to find some legendary anvil that could make life or something. Dwarfman’s wife went crazy and killed her entire family, and the ones that didn’t die turned to eating darkspawn which made them into scary creatures. Walrus and Dwarfman finally found Dwarfman’s wife who was close to the anvil, but the anvil was guarded by some other Paragon who found it and turned themselves into a golem. Dwarfman’s wife was mad with power and wanted to keep it, but the Golem said no, destroy it. Walrus was like “You both are giving me a headache. I’m destroying this thing!” which made Dwarfman’s wife mad so she attacked. In a long battle, Walrus managed to kill Dwarman’s wife and requested the Paragon Golem to make a crown for the new king before destroying the anvil.

 

With the anvil in hand, Walrus crowned the new king who promised dwarves to fight the darkspawn.

 

Walrus dragged his group to a mountain where a bunch of crazy people lived. He killed most of them only to find that there was some urn of ashes that could cure the sick Arl, who was Alistair’s friend. Walrus killed everything that stood in his way until some crazy ghostman got mad at him for not getting naked. Walrus killed the ghostman and took the ashes for the sick Arl.

When Walrus arrived in Redcliffe, people were crying about a zombie apocalypse. Walrus said sod off and went to the mage tower.

 

At the mage tower, the Templars were like “Yo Walrus, this place is crazy. Bloodmages are ruining everything and turning people into monsters. We want to stop them, but we need to hear back from base in order to stop em. Walrus said “Come on lads. I’ll take a look then.” Walrus went into the tower and killed all the monsters the blood mages made. The mages were a-holes and caused a lot of problems, but Walrus was studying the Templar way (no thanks to stupid Alistair) so he got better. Walrus got thrown into a dream by some demon that trapped all of Walrus’ team. Walrus killed the ghost Duncan and learned the powers of 4 things in dreamland. Walrus could turn into Ratman which was lame and only good at finding treasure. Walrus could turn into the powerful Burning Man which blew up stuff with fire. Walrus could turn into Golem Man and break things. Walrus could turn into lame wizardman and do nothing. Eventually, Walrus freed Alistair, who thought he was at a picnic, Sten (the Qunari) who knew it was a dream, and Elfman who thought he was being tortured.

 

After escaping, Walrus found the leader bloodmage and killed him. The Templars were so very happy that Walrus helped them so they decided to help in the war against the darkspawn.

 

When Walrus returned to Redcliffe, everyone was dead. This made some guy Alistair knew very mad, but he still needed their help because the Arl’s son was acting odd. Walrus and company found the boy was possessed by demons and he was causing all the zombies. Walrus killed the zombie army and they couldn’t harm him. In the end, Walrus had to kill the young boy in order to stop the madness. The boy’s mother was grief stricken and Alistair got all mad. Alistair then told Walrus that he was actually royalty and apologized that he hid it. Walrus said he was stupid and didn’t care. The Arl was healed with the ashes and Alistair went on to tell him about the world and how the kingdom was in ruins because the dude that was supposed to counterattack didn’t and went power hungry. The Arl was like Alistair, you be king! Walrus said that was terrible idea. Alistair cried. The Arl said he would call a Landsmeet to discuss with the Arls on the future. At the capital, the Queen was locked away by her father (who is also the man that retreated) in his BFF’s house. His BFF was the Arl Howe. In a rage, Walrus ran in and killed everyone instead of snuck around like the elf maid-lady said. Arl Howe fought hard, but died to Walrus’ sword.

 

Eventually, Walrus got the Queen out of lockup, only to be surrounded by the crazy guy’s men. Walrus fought hard, killing many mages, but him and Alistair were captured and thrown in jail. Sten and Dog went to rescue them with great success.

 

Walrus then came in at the Landsmeet where the crazy guy, Loghain, was denounced by everyone but some lame bald dude. Loghain challenged Walrus to a duel where Walrus selected Dog as his champion, but the Arl guy said no so Walrus fought instead and won. Alistair said to kill him, but this French Grey Warden said make Loghain a Grey Warden so Walrus didn’t kill him. Alistair got mad and said he wanted to be king. Walrus supported the Queen to rule by herself. Alistair said he was gonna go, but the Queen arrested him and got him executed. Loghain joined Walrus and they killed many darkspawn together in an epic sweep.

 

The night before the big battle, the French Grey Warden said the only way to kill the big boss archdemon was if a Grey Warden struck the final blow. Walrus said “I don’t wanna. Loghain, you do it. You need redemption.” Loghain said “Yes, of course.” That night, Morrigan snuck in to Walrus’ room to try and seduce him. She tried to convince him that it didn’t have to be a Grey Warden that landed the final blow on this big bad archdemon darkspawn thing, but if Walrus got her pregnant, the powers would go in the kid. Walrus told her no so she tried to make him convince Loghain. Walrus tried, but Loghain was like no way man. Walrus told her to go away so she ran away forever. She didn’t even consider the French guy.

 

Eventually, the big battle happened. Walrus killed many darkspawn with Loghain. They were unstoppable.

 

Then the final boss: The archdemon. French girl, Walrus, Dog, and Loghain fought it hard with the elven allies and eventually it fell. Loghain said he would take the final blow as redemption for all the crap he did. He died a hero.

 

The Queen gave Walrus his own country but Walrus said he wanted to travel with the French girl.

 

Fin out what happens in Dragon Age 2 next time!

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