Part 2 of my Dragon Age experience! Last time, I talked about Walrus Cousland. His story is finished and he’s probably dead. Probably.

Spoilers…again.

 

Walrus Hawke

During the darkspawn war, Walrus Hawke, his sister Bethany, his brother Twerpface, and his mother fled the land to move to a different country. Walrus and his siblings fought scattered darkspawn in the hills of wherever and Walrus was awesome and killed stuff. Twerpface decided that it wasn’t going to be cold where he was going so he wore a shirt with no sleeves. Bethany was a mage, to Walrus’ disdane because mages=bad stuff.

 

A big troll thing came and destroyed Twerpface and he died. Mother Hawke tried to cry about it but Walrus said he didn’t like that idiot anyway and he kinda deserved it for wearing no sleeves. They kept moving.

 

Later, Walrus found this woman punching darkspawn in the face while she defended some Templar. Walrus helped and she thanked him and the Templar was like my wife is awesome. His wife is Aveline. Aveline, Walrus, and Bethany killed many darkspawn buffoons until some dragon came and scared everyone. The dragon was Morrigan’s mother in disguise, but Walrus Hawke never met her so he didn’t know her. Walrus Hawke said “Sod off old woman. What do you want?” and she gave him some stupid locket or something to give to someone in the town below and he was like “Whatever.”

They made it to town, but some guard dude was like no one gets in, but Walrus was like I have family here. I’m a freakin noble. Look up my uncle. The guardsman spat out his water in Walrus’ face and was like that dude is a drunk. The guy found him anyway. Aveline kinda just chilled.

Uncle dude was, indeed, a drunk and gambled all the money away and their noble house. Walrus nearly killed him, but BioWare said nono Chas, you can’t kill everyone in this game like Origins. Uncle dude had an idea that Walrus and his family could be bought in if they did some shady work. Walrus didn’t like it, but he decided to help a mercenary band. In the next years, Walrus killed a bunch of people and earned his way back into the city.

Eventually, Walrus was walking when some punk kid tried to take his money. Luckily a graggly dwarf helped him with a cool crossbow. The dwarf, Varric, offered Walrus a job. At first, Walrus was like keep away from me, but excited at becoming a noble again, Walrus decided to help the dwarf. In order to join the expedition, Walrus needed 50 gold to convince the dwarf’s brother he was worth it. Walrus nearly punched the dwarf’s brother, but got to work. Walrus and his friends killed more people. He met a few people too that decided to help him. First he met some elfgirl whose tribe hated her because she was a blood mage. Walrus didn’t like her either. She fumbled her words too much, but got her a place in the elf slums. He also met a winy ex-Grey Warden, Anders, that complained the Templars were too mean on rogue, albeit, illegal mages. Walrus also didn’t like him. He also met an ex-elf slave that was almost tricked into being captured by his former master. He had a bunch of marking on him and he could just steal your heart.  He hated mages. His name was Fenris. Walrus liked him. Last, Walrus met some seductive pirate lady named Isabella. She made a lot of sex jokes. Walrus wasn’t a fan of her.

 

With enough money, Walrus got to go with some friends to the Deep Roads where they were going to find lots of money. Walrus went with Varric, Fenris, and Anders because mother Hawke didn’t want Bethany to go.

 

In the Deep Roads, Walrus found no money and just rocks until there was this idol thing that was glowing red. Varric’s brother stole it and locked Walrus and company in the vault. This made Varric very mad and Walrus looking for blood. Eventually, they made it thought and killed some things too. Varric swore he’d hunt his brother down.

 

Walrus got his nobility back and learned his sister got sent to the Circle of Magi where all mages belong anyway.

 

Varric found his brother in some house. The red thing was actually a curse and made him crazy. He sold it for money, but the effects stayed. He was too crazy to be alive so Varric killed him.

 

The king dude wanted Walrus to see what these Qunari were up to, but Isabella wanted nothing to do with them. She kept running away, so Walrus replaced her with Anders. The Qunari were kinda a  holes and kept “converting” people to their ways. IT was kinda like the crusades, except the Templars were too busy fighting rogue mages. That was okay with Walrus because he was a Templar anyway. The Qunari leader and the king dude did some crap and then war happened. Walrus killed many Qunari cowards until he found the Qunari leader beheaded the king. With his hot, elfman boyfriend, Walrus learned he could duel the Qunari leader, but Walrus decided to slaughter the entire Qunari race instead. They started it.

 

Walrus was now a hero, but the Templar leader and the mage leader were going crazy. As the hero of the land, Walrus stepped in and tried to settle things. Walrus, being the good Templar he was, said the mages were being unruly and probably harbouring blood mages. Things got worse and eventually war broke out…again. This place kinda sucks.

 

Walrus fought for the Templars because he was sick and tired of demons and zombies. Eventually, the Templar leader caught up to the mage leader and had a bit of a spit. Walrus told them to shut it, but Anders got all whiney and was like I’m releasing this demon in me! The demon killed the head church lady which just made the mages look worse to the Templars. Walrus killed the idiot Anders for being the biggest idiot ever.

Walrus made out once more with his elfman and ran to the Circle Tower. He killed many mage cowards but found his sister there too. The mage leader went crazy and used blood magic and turned into this fat thing and tried to kill everyone. Bethany helped Walrus kill the crazy mage leader. She then joined the party again and Walrus was sort happy she didn’t use blood magic. Then, the Templar leader went crazy. Apparently, she had the red idol thing and made it into a sword. She tried to kill everyone, but everyone fought back. She eventually died thanks to Walrus being awesome and everyone else being awesome.

 

Oh yeah, the entire story happened in the past and Varric was sitting on a chair talking to some hot Russian-German sounding lady.

 

That’s it! Stay tuned for my Inquisition playthough which will be streamed on my Twitch. I’ll even save it. Or try to anyway.

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