I’m writing from one of those Daily Prompt things here called Use It or Lose It.

 

Yesterday made me think about what I wrote about and I figured I was moving slowly because I didn’t eat very well. When I say very well, I mean I hardly ate anything at all because there’s no food in the freakin house and I need to move out because I wanna be my own Chas.

 

I was looking into how to find jobs yesterday too and a lot of the things suggest to contact people and talk about yourself and the company and basically learn things. I totally can do that, but I wanna know what role I’d play. I keep going back to being an administrative assistant. Maybe I should talk to someone that knows about it and see what they did or what they think I should do.

 

I had crazy ideas in contacting some big businesses on what they think, but who cares about Chas? They all want you to make a LinkedIn profile and read articles on things. I hardly read anyway, let alone for pleasure.

 

Most of these “How To Find A Career” things are for people aspiring to be a head of something. I’m just trying to be a team player you can pass to when things get overwhelming. I’d be a support class like a medic.

 

That post wasn’t so dark. There’s some that have been terribly dark where I thought this was the last time I’d every say anything on the blog. I remember one that cause so much commotion that one of my friends sent it to one of my professors that called me in to console me.

Then there’s that infamous post that caused a lot of hate here and that pretty much totaled my view on becoming more well known. I thought we’d never come back from that one.

I still haven’t really. I’m still horribly hindered from it, but I’m feeling better. I’m not so anxious that I haven’t stopped writing here.

 

I guess I need to think about it. This was the most insignificant thing ever. It affected only a few people that I’ve never spoken to again nor heard from again. I guess I’m more hindered by the fact that it could happen with a different group. In a way, I’ve gotten over that incident, but the bigger picture still looms over me.

Maybe these things won’t stick. Say my next review thing makes a bunch of energy drink enthusiasts mad at me for not understanding it. So, I go and delete the post because if it makes someone mad, the post is gone. No problem. Stops the people from commenting on it. That’s all. I keep the comments in moderation for partly that reason. The other part is to make sure no Spambots get through the filters.

 

I guess I just am anxious that anything I say is gonna make someone mad, and that isn’t something I wanna deal with, you know? I know it is impossible to please everyone, but I can’t deal with it. That’s something psychiatrists get paid the big money to help people like me for and that’s why I refuse to go line their pockets. I’ll cope with it. I don’t care if it means I hinder myself as much as someone might or might not hinder me. Living in the dark is fine with night vision goggles. Sometimes I don’t even need em.

 

I’m already working with myself on this too. I’m learning how to write neutrally so I don’t seem to care. I can do it well already in conversation. I’m trying to transfer that here. I feel like I’m just more expressive in writing while when I speak I’m more inclined to be able to understand how people feel about things and show a type of nonchalance that’s kinda appealing. In writing, especially for my own personal blog, I’m getting more emotion out in the open. I’m more likely to say how I feel about things rather than give a neutral response.

 

Maybe I shouldn’t have to force myself to be neutral in writing. I worked with some girl that asked me why I was so afraid of saying what I mean because I have valid opinions like everyone else. Not everyone is as understanding of things.

 

Machiavelli insinuated that it was better to be feared than loved. Chas says it is better to be glanced over than hated. Neutral people don’t go anywhere. Neutral people don’t break bounds and become icons. Active people do.

 

I guess I am trying to be more universally “Meh” instead of universally loved or hated. I can deal with “meh.”

 

This kind of attitude will not get me hired I think.

 

I read into something called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and how it works. I don’t think it would work for me because it deals with people actively looking for a solution and how to break the cycles of bad thoughts. I’m more interested in coping with it. It is a part of me. It isn’t something that should be cured or changed. People that do like me know me for both my good and bad as well as my insanity and my sanity.

 

I require more thinking how to make an inferiority complex a strength. All these motivational speakers demoralize me with these Can-Do posts. Obviously, it doesn’t help me be inspired. That brings me back to the post I did weeks ago where I said Don’t Worry; Be Happy.

 

This complex is part of me. Don’t need to worry about it. If I give it attention, I’m gonna cripple myself. It will always be there. I adapt to it. I’m not gonna beat it. It isn’t supposed to be beaten, despite what people think.

 

I was gonna write some creative thing today, but the Deviant thing was being a jerk and I couldn’t start the draft. Maybe I’ll do it another day. Maybe. We’ll see if I want to do it. The idea has been floating for a few days, so I might just do it.

 

Gordon said in a post that he was gonna write 1000 words a day. I like to write 1000 word posts. I feel like it helps. By 1000 I’m pretty much done with my thoughts like this post is. It is over 1000.

 

Good luck on your book!

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