Hey Rad Bloggy.

 

Quick thing before I forget. This professor came in and was like “Hey that’s pretty cool Bach.” I had the classical radio on because that’s my work radio for the most part. I wasn’t sure what was playing. It was some random piano piece and surely not something famous sounding. I take a look and it was indeed Bach. Good on that guy.

 

Can I express my love for AriZona tea? I do it all the time. Hero nomination. Last one probably.

 

Villain nomination. Hmm… The pricing guy at Wawa? Sure. They cost like 1.75 at Wawa where it’s 99 cents everywhere else.

 

DISCLAIMER! The rest of this post is a whole lot of nothing. Unless you have nothing better to do, I would advise skipping this post.

So, I was talking to my co-worker that shares the night shift with me about work and he asked the question so many people ask, but in a slightly different way. Instead of asking “what do you plan on doing?” he asked “what are you qualified to do?” That was a great question by him because honestly, I’m qualified to do nothing. I don’t have any certifications. I don’t have any special training. I just have some experience working in an office and tutoring brats, and I know I don’t wanna be a tutor any more.

He then said I should go to back to school, but the way he said it didn’t make me wanna rip out my lungs and beat him with it. He said it more like “maybe you can go back to school? Take a class in something so you can be qualified.” He then went on to say I should go into business which I said I was too stupid to do because I don’t make those kinds of decisions very well.

He then said something pretty philosophical, but in like real talk and not in that “I’m a teacher and I’m gonna test your education” kind of speech. This is why I like him. I hate people talking down to me. I know I have an education, but it doesn’t mean I hold very smart conversation. Listen to my streams. I say the stupidest things.

 

Well, he said “You’re only stupid if you think you are.” To this, I said, “Then I must be stupid.”

 

This part has inspired me to write this post. How stupid am I? Honestly, I think I am pretty dumb. I don’t make good choices like which major to have or which classes to pick, or even taking enriching opportunities. I can tell now I made a mistake in those. No question about that, but with my pattern of bad choices I am pretty much guaranteed to keep making the wrong choices. Right now, mulling over these bad choices is a bad choice because I’m stopping myself from progressing mentally. Will I stop even though I realize it? No! That makes me dumb!

 

I was about to say something about turkeys, but I found it wasn’t true. Which makes sense anyway in my analogy. I’m dumber than a turkey. Turkeys do not look up at the rain until they drown, which makes me, thinking and thinking over all the wrong choices I made until I blow up even worse.

 

I have wrote myself into a corner where I don’t even believe in what I’m writing anymore to be intelligent.

So yes, I might be pretty dumb, butI do know things. I might not be good at advising myself, but I have fair advice for others who are unsure. I’m so good at seeing my own failures that I can tell someone NOT to do what I did.

 

Sometimes people say I don’t give myself credit in the things I know, but I feel like the things I know are common knowledge and the fact that I know it should be a given.

 

How did this post turn into insulting my intelligence?

“Some people think they can outsmart me. Maybe…maybe.”

Anyway, back to business.

 

I thought about a business and what goes into it. Rather, I am thinking about it right now and writing about it. This is how my thoughts gain speed.

 

So, a CEO is like the brains of the operation. I know this because of Villa’s new CEO and how he plans to have Villa challenging Europe. Yeah…sure. So he’s in charge of contracts and stuff. That takes a lot of analysis. I think a lot, but can I channel it into work? Probably not. For what I think about, I usually end up thinking about things for too long so moments pass me by or I think too much about my failings that everything just passes over me. It is also hard to be CEO. Don’t they get elected or something? No one would ever vote for me. I wasn’t even second choice for this job. How could I ever be popular enough for something of such a high position.

 

I’m already crossing out anything that deals with money or numbers or money numbers. I can’t do basic multiplication without a calculator. This crosses out accounting and probably marketing.

 

Let’s think lower!

 

Human resources. This too takes good decision making when it comes to hiring people and making sure they get the right training. When it comes to work, I’m a “do it” kinda guy. I don’t think about what I do, but I think a lot about what I’ve done. I’m also not that great with people. I’m more in the line of “let me do this for you so you can go on your merry way” rather than the guy that sits and listens to people and becomes friends with them.

 

So far, I’m doing great for business.

 

Sales! You wanna buy this thing? No? Okay.

 

That’s why I can’t do sales.

 

Reception. I’m fairly organized. I pay attention to people and where they are going or what they are doing. I can find out things if I don’t know. I’m good at asking about things. I know how to work a copy machine. I can type fairly well. I’m not very warm, but I’m reliable when I’m trained well enough.

 

Hmm. Reception sounds good…wait a second. That’s what I do already!

 

I think what I lack the most is confidence in anything I do. I blame my past for that and I can’t just simply go “Oh right. I gotta just stop this.” No. It doesn’t work like that. I doubt I’ll ever get to be confident in anything I do.

 

It is very, very unhealthy I know. It stops me from being whatever I wanna be and doing whatever I wanna do. I suppose if I had a ton of money I wouldn’t care about things like comments or criticism because I’d have a lot of money and whatever I did would be a hobby and I could buy people to say “yes Chas!” Boy, wouldn’t that be great.

That’s something isn’t it? If I had a lot of money, I wouldn’t be afraid to do anything because I’d have money. Those age old questions where they ask if you’d rather be poor and happy or rich but miserable? Well, I think it is bloody impossible to be rich and miserable unless you blow all the money and become poor and more miserable.

 

The fact is, I am not rich. I never will be unless one of those “You are related to some prince in Nigeria” scams are actually true. Do I have a choice to be poor and happy? Like I said a while ago, I don’t think I’ll ever be truly happy. I know things will make me less miserable, like this can of AriZona. It is cheap. It is tasty. It is a large quantity. It makes my life slightly more bearable. It is now gone.

I’m not worrying though. No. I know where I’m headed and it isn’t great or glamorous. It isn’t to luxury. It isn’t to having a great life. It is moving forward. What I have is a part time work with hours that makes me enough money to pay off my student loans. Eventually, someone might be stupid enough to hire me full time, but that’s the future. I don’t need to think about goals for the future. The past is still ruining me for me to let the future chime in on this. That past; it sits and sits and sits some more. It will always be there and it will always be holding me back. Little by little it goes away. I don’t think so much about when I was little and playing tee-ball and how I got mad that I threw the ball at some kid’s shins. I don’t think back about that unless I force myself to recall it. I don’t even have random recalls of high school either.

I guess I have something to look forward to because my life is getting less, and less eventful as I get older. When these recalls catch up, there won’t be much to recall. I’ll probably be less miserable too.

 

Some important psychiatrist would tell me that in stead of progressing and thinking forward, I’m trying to move backwards and fix things that I cannot fix. It doesn’t do me any good, but I can’t get passed it. Someone smarter than me would have a better solution. I can’t just accept things and how they are. I believe I shoulda did something else here and there. Coulda, shoulda, woulda. I tell myself this, but I don’t.

 

It is stupid and petty and no one cares but me. That sums it up pretty much. I wrote a lot here, but none of the words matter. If only I could write about something worthwhile. Make something of yourself, Chas. Write about the effects of bloody sticky keys on the aging population and how they are astounded by the noise it makes.

I was really trying to kill the rest of my time doing nothing. I suppose that’s enough. I really did write a lot of nothing. I’m gonna make a disclaimer at the top. Done. This is a new thing for this blog.

 

Oh well. See you. I guess.

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