I don’t feel like going to my room to write some post so I’m writing it here.
I’m feeling pretty low today. I feel like something bad is bound to happen soon. I don’t know what exactly gives me that feeling especially when I’m getting a lot hours now. I just feel like something is gonna knock me down like things are starting to look up for me. Maybe I’m just used to the cycle.
I don’t really think I deserve good things. It’s a crazy thing to think but I’m kinda being truthful. I feel like all the mistakes I made show I screwed up and don’t really deserve redemption. A lot of people try to move on from mistakes yet I’m here beating myself for it.
I contemplated closing Twitter because I’m sick of the world.
This is just like Facebook and me again but only 5 years later. Nothing changed even though I swore I changed. All these years I’ve done nothing. Failure at its finest.
At least now I’m doing something. I’m making money. I can be miserable too, but who would I be if I wasn’t miserable? I wouldn’t be me that’s for sure.
I remember this show where the guys were losing their groove because they had a ton of money and they weren’t feeling creative anymore but then they lose everything for a while and get their creativity back because they were miserable without their stuff. Being happy is overrated!
I’m sure I’ll write something here later contradicting this post. It will happen. I’m sure of it. All of these highs and lows are me. If I didn’t have them then I wouldn’t be me and I’d lose my whatever I call this. It isn’t motivation. It isn’t passion. It’s just a will to keep on keeping on out of the fact I have nothing better to do. That’s it. What’s that called?
Maybe nothing has changed but is that a bad thing? Was me trying to change things up really for the better? Probably a little of each. I’m less angry now which is good. I’m still paranoid and over dramatic which is what you get with me. Does that make people like or repulse me? That is something I’m learning to not really care about but that’s hard.
I’ve read too many conflicting ideas. People preach positive thinking when it clearly will never work for me. I’m not sure about everyone else, but all positive thoughts do is make me pretend the negative, true ones don’t exist. Then it occurs to me that I’m too different from the main ideas of this psychology. I’m trying to stuff myself in a drawer when I only fit in a closet.
Maybe I’ll learn this eventually.
Today I was expecting some news. I’ll see I guess.
That’s really it, Rad Blog. I’m off.